Friday, December 16, 2011


I'm in an airplane, some where thousands of miles above the mid-west, and I feel that this is the perfect place to think, because I'm not really anywhere. I feel that a location always sets precedence and biased in clear thinking. When I'm some place, I don't want to be there; I'm longing for somewhere else. Or, I get so wrapped up in the here and now that I naively disregard anything out of sight. But here, in limbo, I can look down at any place I want, I can regard, analyze, over analyze, contemplate where I've been and where I am going. Caught up in the excitement of going home, of seeing my mom and best friend, snuggling up on the couch with my puppy Beefcake, spending time with my big brothers, eating my Gramma's cooking, hugging my family, driving down to Connecticut, reminiscing in my childhood play ground, finally getting to finish my book, not having a care in the world, not having a place to be or a checklist of have-to's but instead, want-to's. I haven't been able to think of anything else, and trust me I haven't. Finals were a chaotic blur of all the material that I realized I should have learned this semester, and then just like that, it was all over. I quickly bounded off on my escape from a crazy semester. Now, as I take my first deep breathe, suspended between one place and another, I'm realizing all the amazing things I have in both places. When I'm living in Utah, I miss the Vermont greenery. I miss the pace of life, trees, people, calm, comfort, familiarity and everything that I've been so excited for. And when I get there, and I guess now, even before, I realize that I'm going to miss everything I'm leaving behind. Crazy, spontaneous, hectic life in Provo, Ut. This semester marked a very important turning point in my life. Completely life altering decisions were made, good ones and bad ones. Heartbreaks, intoxicating butterflies, deep conversations, insurmountable growth, contagious laughter, a real definition of love. As I look back on it all, I might not be able to translate my life into french, calculate the PRE for a data set, tell you that the 64th section of the Doctrine and Covenants teaches us about forgiveness (although it does) or control my fear as I address the room "honorable chair, fellow delegates..." But, I'll leave behind this semester having learned more than I think I ever have. I learned about life, love, trust, relationships, joy, faith, forgiveness, understanding, patience, time, help, diligence, prayer, and acceptance. Me 3 months ago probably wouldn't recognize me today. That's a whole lot of change in not a whole lot of time. All that growing was painful, excruciating. But, I'm better because of it. I'm a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser and a little bit closer to the person I want to become.
Right, so me. here, now. Here being a relative term, now being 11:39 am (although I don't know what time zone that is). I can't wait to land, to run for my bus and finally drop my over-packed luggage and hug my mom. I can't wait to say goodbye one more time and have another semester of self-discovery, healing, growth, and change. Mostly, I'm just anxious to see what happens. Ultimately I don't really know where I am headed, but I'm going there.

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