Tuesday, July 19, 2011

F is for fabulous.

C is for credit.

I'd never felt so good about an exam as I felt today. Seriously, I knew it all, better yet, I understood it all. I snacked on derivatives, muttered inverse trig functions in my sleep and dreamed about cylindrical tanks being filled with water at 3 meters-cubed per minute. Except in my dreams it was always pudding. chocolate pudding. I was so ready for this beast, I studied my brains out, past the point where I had neurons leaking out of my skull. (okay, not really, that would have made a mess, and those little buggers do me more good when they stay fused between my ears). I felt great all morning, I felt great during my final study session; felt great as I took the long walk all the way to the hee-bee-gee-bee. I confidently marched up the marble staircase, flashed my I.D. card, sharpened all three of my pencils and chose the most isolated desk from all the other frantic test-takers. I still felt great. I started from the very last page of the test, worked my way backwards; regurgitating all of the information that I had shoved down my throat in the last two weeks, and then proudly handed my test back. I even felt great walking down the stairway of doom. I exited that dreadful building and...didn't feel so great anymore.

I sat down on a bench, crossed my legs and let that all-too-familiar wave of incompetency drown me. and yet, I had far to many tasks left to do for the day to give in and indulge myself in the walk of shame.

My International Relations Professor last semester had quotes pasted on the outside of his office door, which I happened to spend a lot of time in front of, with nothing better to do than read the collage of inspiration. One read, "don't let school get in the way of your education". I've taken that to heart. My education is much more than the marks on the top of my tests and papers. Contrary to what that little screen at the testing center may say, I'm not stupid. I've learned more in the past two years that I've spent here than any other one place, even if I don't have the grades to prove it.

Sometimes life is about more than our numerical definitions. There are things in each day that are more important:

Like waking up at 6:30 am, and watching the sunrise from outside the Temple; finding out that my best friend is coming home from his mission 2 weeks from tomorrow, the first of many to Return With Honor; getting e-mails from my Uncle on my smarter-than-me phone; laughing really really hard; finally getting a letter in that fancy new mail box; replacing the ring that I wore on my necklace everyday with something else; taking a nice long run to watch the sunset and finally realizing that that is what is important about today. and that C, that's just for credit.

1 comment:

  1. Clara, this post made me almost CRY because I agree 100% and totally forever and ever till the day I die and back. I, too, feel what you mean of the "all-too-familiar wave of incompetency." I don't think I've aced a MEANINGFUL test in... a long time... leaving the testing center with a sad number on the screen is just commonplace--I don't even cry about it anymore. I just kind of laugh at how stupid it says I am, and move on. But I feel like we're two people who EAT up knowledge, who EAT up learning and growing. No number shows that, though.

    I love this post. For realsies.