Change, but not useless pennies.

There came a moment, sometime in the past few weeks when everything in my life changed.
It all started one night as I sat in the middle of my bedroom floor.  I was the eye of a perfect storm of pictures, clothes, books, accumulated junk and all that lay chaotically around me.  I looked at the mess around me, and focused on the last thing still left in place: the walls, the dreary cement blocks I had artistically, and not so tactfully, plastered with a collage of posters.  I had had my walls decorated with these pictures of famous boarders, gear ads, winter scenery, and neon quotes for the past three years.  Each year a little different, but still the same collection presented in the same way.  I examined closely how they were pasted crooked and overlapping one with another.  My first thought was about the patience it would require to carefully detangle the delegate sheets of paper for a third time, peeling away tape and sticky tack without tearing corners, or what was left of corners.  As I thought about that, I found myself in the middle of a much larger dilemma than the mess of just packing, should I take everything down carefully with the intention of putting them back up, or should I tear everything down and start again fresh.  And as I mulled this over in my mind, I couldn't make a decision.  Then I realized this really had nothing to do with the posters, this was about how my life was about to be dumped upside down.
That's when all this change started:
I took all those posters off of the wall, and didn't put them back up again.
I moved into a new apartment.  Different place, same kind of idea.  With roommates I didn't know.
I'm sharing a room with someone different, my first new roommate since my very first day at BYU.  (I mean, why would you move if you lived with your best friend?)
I'm no longer taking classes, just working full time.  I can't remember the last time I didn't have homework.
I wake up at 6:50 every morning.  That's never happened before.
I have a new job, and a new set of coworkers.
I have free time in the afternoons.
I'm blogging (okay, that's not really different anymore)
I painted my toenails Times Square Tangerine.
I'm learning to cook and successfully added two new dishes to my repertoire this week.
I'm reading a book, just because I can.
I write in a journal.
I wore pants yesterday. all day.
That's just the beginning, I know everything's going to be changing a whole lot more soon.  I'm going to have a different wardrobe, different roommate, going to be speaking a different language and living in a different country.  After all of this, I am going to be a very different person...

mistakes.

Don't go back and try to take chances you missed in the past.   They were opportunities that aren't there anymore.  They were choices you'd already chosen  They were the mistakes you didn't make.

Waiting.

One year ago, I was waiting for a name tag.  Waiting to see, in a matter of months, counted down by weeks, a little black name tag engraved with Elder on it.  I spent each day in suspense of that name tag coming off, because I was waiting for who I thought was my best friend, my better half, a guy that I thought wasn't anything like anyone else I had ever met.  When the moment came, it wasn't at all what I expected, wasn't at all what I thought it would be
I didn't expect to find myself, a year later, again waiting for a name tag.  But this time, the name tag is mine, a little black plastic square reading Sestra Compare.  And this time, I'm waiting for that name tag to go on.  And when the moment comes, it probably won't be anything like I think it will, but that's to be expected.

"But I can only tell you through a song..."

"But I can only tell you through a song..."
These are little snippets to songs that I love, lyrics that have hit me, encouraged me, expressed exactly how I felt at the moment I listened to them.  Because I don't know how to say it, and these songs just said it best.  Each of them hold a very close memory for me, a vivid moment in my life.  10 points if you know the song, 10 giant hugs if you know the moment.


"How beautiful do I have to be?"


"East Coast feeling, stuck in my head"


"There's just nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love"


"I think I lost myself in your deep blue eyes"


"I'm getting into you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe"


"I would let you know, you cannot walk away, 'cause there are things left to say"


"We're so, so close, we're staring at it.  Please don't go...we'll make it happen...I'm staring at the only love I know"


"Ask me how do I feel"


"If I could gather up the nerve, I'd put my feelings into words"


"I'm in a foreign state, running late, I'm all alone, wishing I was home with you baby"


"When I arrived in my old set of clothes, I was half a world away from my home"


"My love's too big for you my love...if I were stronger I would tell you no, and if I were stronger than I would leave this show...but here I am, and here we go again"


"Through the rain and the snow, we're gonna make it"


"I'm only gonna break break your, break break your heart"


"You could be the hero, and I could be your sidekick"


"Baby you're pretty, but I'm pretty sure I'm over you"


"What should have been, could have been, a happy end"

"I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter since I've met you"

"You make breaking hearts look so easy, seems like you've done this before"


"Just one more plane ride and it's done"


"Welcome back winter once again and put on your warm fuzzy sweater because you'll feel much better when snowflakes fall"


"When things went wrong, you always had a song that seemed to make things right"


"I was praying that you and me might end up together, it's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert" 


"Don't worry about a thing, you know your path is true, just ease your mind, have a banana or two"


"Oh, you don't know what you're doing to me"


"my steeze is gonna be effected, if I keep it up like a love-sick crackhead"


"I would like to hold my little hand"


"Love is a luxury, I'd rather be in love than dead"


"someday you'll see there's a reason for everything, someday you'll see there's a reason for you and me"

Every Semester

Every semester should have at least one...

-inside joke used on a daily basis
-good movie night
-camping trip
-weekend get-a-away
-new promise
-big step
-learned song on the guitar
-bas case of butterflies
-all-night-er
-pure heart break
-new friend
-midnight adventure
-failed exam
-perfect paper
-long phone conversation
-plane ticket purchased
-life changing letter
-perfect powder day
-justified cry
-discovery of a new band
-awkward elephant
-new outfit
-concert
-grand adventure
-reconnection
-tearful goodbye
-package in the mail
-laugh attack
-rejuvenating run

and a whole lot of memories

Vulnerability

This woman inspires me; she may or may not have just changed my life.  

You should watch this:

I hate feeling vulnerable, it's one of the biggest struggles I have.  I'm afraid to open myself up, because when I am vulnerable, I shrink back into my shame, embarrassed of who I am.  You know the feeling: you said too much, you acted too honest and you shouldn't have done that.  But, we need that experience; we need to embrace our vulnerability because it is the essence of human connection.  Take a chance, take a risk, just to be yourself.  "All you need is 20 seconds of courage" Even if you get hurt.
I can't even tell you how directly applicable this message is to my life right now...

Joshua Radin Says It Best

I've been contemplating this idea for a little while now...and maybe such a post is perhaps inappropriate.  These are memories that I hold very dear to me, manifestations of how blessed I am, and how incredible the people around me are.  I'm completely spoiled by my friends, I don't deserve everything that they do for me.  Or maybe, I just don't want anyone to be jealous because their friends aren't as cool.
Sometimes I have bad days, sometimes I have good days that are just made a whole lot better.  Here are a few of my favorites:

I was having a really rough week, and my friend has invited me to go up and visit her in Salt Lake for the weekend; I just couldn't do it...I had too much homework and I was too stressed to let myself take the time off and leave everything behind.  She nagged me about my weekend plans ALL week, and I felt terrible! Friday night rolls around and my friend is still calling me trying to find me a ride up to SL.  I had just gotten back from climbing and I was making dinner when she calls me and abruptly hangs up after having me explain that I really can't come.  Two minutes later, another friend is at my door whisking me away on her Boda.  I'm thoroughly confused as to why my dinner is sitting untouched dinner on the kitchen table, and why I'm riding away from it on the back of a motorcycle.  But we end up at a taco shop, with friend number one waiting to surprise me.  She'd been scheming the kidnap all week and came down just because I was having a bad week.

I missed Free Cone Day; the best day of the year in Vermont, where Ben and Jerry's passes out free ice cream cones at their stores.  It's practically a holiday in Vermont, and everyone made it to Free Cone Day at least once in High School, even if it meant missing classes.  We would have teachers take us to Free Cone Day, no one could miss it! Teachers didn't want to miss it either.  Seeing everyone's Facebook statuses about Free Cone Day, made me a little nostalgic, and a little more homesick than normal.  I got home from my days adventures to a box marked special delivery! To: Clara, From: Vermont.  Inside were ice cream cones and little cartons of Ben and Jerry's.

One of my favorite songs for a rainy day is called "Sunshine" by Atmosphere.  If you can get past the interesting beginning, it's really the perfect happy-song.  My favorite line says, "If I could, I would keep this feeling in a plastic jar, bust it out whenever someone's acting hard"  look it up.  My friend brought me a plastic jar, with that line written on the top, and it full of little pieces of paper covered in just lovely little things.  It's brilliant.

Playing the guitar outside, I walked away from my tuner, phone and capo for 2 minutes.  I came back to a carton of Orange Juice covered in rose pedals.  Nothing says love like Orange Juice, and best friends.

My friends make my life beautiful, with cute little notes, surprises, kind acts, long laughs, midnight runs, hugs, and love.  They make me feel special, important, worth it.  And I know it's cliche, but I couldn't do it without them, I wouldn't be here.  My life wouldn't be the same without finding keys under my doormat, having someone's couch to crash on after a long day, yelling across the complex, and just plain being around people that make me comfortable enough to be myself.  So Kudos to you guys! and Thank You for making the world around you such a wonderful place.  You are more than I deserve, but someday I will maybe be as good a friend as you are.

I can tell a whole story without the word like...

I can tell a whole story without the word "like"
...it just might take me a very long time.

my WHOLE life

My friend (I feel like a lot of blog posts are inspired by said friend; she definitely inspires a lot of things in me.) asked me, "what's going best right now?" To which I responded, "MY WHOLE LIFE!"

I don't know if that is necessarily the whole truth. Oh, now a little more of the real story comes out... I've never before felt so overwhelmed with school work. With finals and the end of the semester looming in the not so distant future, I can't believe how many papers I need to write, papers I haven't even had time to think about. I feel like I'm failing all my classes, and I'm never quite sure what is going on. My life has become a whirlwind of absolute chaos. I have too much weighing on my mind, you'd think there wouldn't be anything to tip the scales.

And yet, I feel so at peace. At peace with my life and my decisions. I've never felt so happy before. And this calmness hasn't come from a lack of opposition in my life, oh we all know there is plenty of that, but it's a stillness in the the eye of the storm. I'm content with where everything seems to be going. And I can't stop smiling about the little things in life: still finding a key under my doormat every morning, having a carton of Orange Juice in the fridge, finishing a paper before I crawl into bed, being able to breath through both my nostrils and laugh without feeling like I'm going to lose a lung, catching up with old friends, not putting any make up on in the morning, the first day without pain, a renewal of hope, running again, and eating dinner. I mean, life doesn't get much better than that.

scuffed sneakers.

Everyone has something that they notice in other people.  Before you think that this going to get scandalous, let me assure you that, if I am checking you out, I'm looking at your shoes.
I think you can tell a lot about someone by the shoes that they wear, tell a lot about their personality.  You can tell how much of a tool they are and how hard they try.  I can pick out the boys whose mothers still dress them.  I see the whole range of athletic types, and those who wouldn't know a basketball if it hit them in the face.  I can tell who is adventurous, and who acts like they are.  Personalities definitely shine through shoes.  I know, I know, you think I'm judgmental.  But let me remind you that there is a difference between being judgmental and merely being observant. perceptive even.

But after analyzing the footwear of my fellow classmates, I took a look at my own feet, my torn up, two-toned grey vans and asked, what do these say about me?  Well my shoes show that I give into fads (I mean, vans were all the rage two years ago), but I don't stress about preserving the fresh-out-the-box look.  In fact, I hate it when my shoes look too new, means they haven't been broken in, don't embody my memories or my personality yet.  These shoes are a clear documentation of the last 2 years of my life: they have a little sand in the bottom from hiking in the desert, holes from trying to climb in them.  They were once water-logged from getting caught in the canyon when a violent thunderstorm hit and it started pouring.  I've made them match almost every outfit I've ever worn (some more coordinated than others).  I've worn them on dates, worn them to class; I've taken them all the way home with me and back again.  I guess I hold on to the past, perhaps a little bit too much, and keep memories in the strangest of objects.

They say you shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.  Well judge me all you want because I'm not giving you my shoes. I like my shoes, like the way they fit around toes, perfectly broken in.  I even like the road that they are carrying me on.  So I'm going to wear my worn out shoes, keep collecting memories in them, and keep running forward.

Can you remember the things you have done in your shoes?  All the places they've taken you?